WORDS BY ME | KATIE Z.

It’s been one of those days. Nothing went your way. Missed a deadline at work. Kid vomited in your minivan. Flat tire on your drive home. And because of stupid effing autocorrect, you just texted your boss that you ‘can’t wait to get crunk this weekend grrrrrrrl’.

You are reaching your breaking point faster than a speeding freight train on cocaine.

So what do you do? Dust off that dirty yoga mat in the backseat of he van and thrust yourself into the closest version of a downward dog that your stressed out, knotted up shoulders can manage? No, there’s vomit on it now. Thanks, kid. Uncork that Costco-size bottle of champagne chilling in the fridge and guzzle it down like a choking codfish lost in the Sahara? No, you’ll just feel even shittier when you have to get up and do this all over again tomorrow.

No, my friends. I have a much better idea. A strategic maneuver that has been proven effective by millions of children everywhere.

Tantrums.

Yes that’s right, imagine a world where we adults could resort to the tactics our children use to con us into giving in and giving them their way. Here a few of the most track-stopping types of tantrums we can borrow from the kiddos.

1. Take your pants off…in public.
   Waited in the checkout line at Ulta for over 20 minutes, just to find out your catalog coupon expired? Rip those LuLaRoe leggings right down to the ground and refuse to move your bare bum from the counter. No one’s getting their microderm miracle crystals or 124-hour lasting CC cream today…or is it BB cream? Whatever. Does anyone in this godforsaken overly scented store really know what the effing difference is anyway? The point is, I didn’t get what I wanted, and neither are you bitches.
2. Wreck things.
   At the grocery store and they’re out of paprika? Making a mess will help! Take it out on every single one of those stupid spices – from allspice to oregano. Take a running swing and wipe the whole bunch of them right off the shelf. Maybe kick the mustard seed around if you really want to make a point. And if you’re feeling extra cranky, why not rip the lid off that onion powder and toss a pinch at unsuspecting shoppers? Like the Color Run, how fun! And don’t worry about getting kicked out. Just tell them you haven’t had your nap yet, that always works. And that’ll teach you, Trader Effing Joe’s.
3. SCREAM!
   Anywhere and any time you like. Smug coworker all too excited to point out the one typo you made in a 12-page report? SCREAM! Right in her face. Then run away in the other direction before she has a chance to figure out what the hell just happened. Getting side-eyed glances at the local library because your kids are playing hide and seek in the non-fiction department? SCREAM your head off! Then giggle while you join in the fun. Because nothing will piss people off more than knowing you’re enjoying your tantrum.
4. Just lie down on the ground.
   For this one to really work, be sure you pick the grimiest location possible. Parents parking in the bus-only zone at school drop off? Lie down, right in the gutter. Someone beat you to the last bench at the park? Beeline to that portapotty and take a rest. And if you’re at the zoo, just about anywhere will do. Kudos if you get something disgusting on yourself. This will result in someone instantly yanking you up and immediately giving in to your demands, no matter how ridiculous they are.

So there you have it. Next time you’re having one of those days and things just aren’t going your way, take a play from the kids! You know you’ve given in to at least one of these tantrums a time or two.

Time to see what they can do for you.