WORDS BY ME | KATIE Z.

It’s been a while, I know. I apologize for the distance, er, the lack of distance logged rather. But I promise, stupid dear RunKeeper app, to make it up to you with miles upon miles of record-breaking sprints power walks.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I’ve definitely found that to be true. I’m going crazy without you!

No seriously, I think I may turn green, explode into a mound of snarling muscles and crush a line of compact cars if I don’t relieve some stress with a vigorous run/walk soon.

Or maybe it’s just the tightness in my jeans that is currently cutting off circulation to my brain that’s making me a little crankier than usual.

And PS, why don’t you have a workout option for run/walks? I mean, I just don’t feel like the results you throw in my face after every dang workout are completely accurate. I’m cheating if I call it a run, if when I take walk breaks. But you’re not giving me enough credit when I call it a walk and I end up running a few miles…ok, blocks. But still, there are bursts of running to record!

And what about when I take my kids with me in the stroller? The DOUBLE stroller at that. That’s like 70 lbs. of extra cargo right there.

Where’s my kudos, RunKeeper? Can’t a girl get a badge for that?

Also, sometimes I really wonder if you purposly stop tracking my distance. Seriously, it is not possible that I’ve only gone .35 miles. My burning legs and collapsing lungs would beg to differ. Are you trying to trick me into running power walking farther?

You and your smug robot voice can’t fool me.

Oh and also, thank you ever so much for the incessant reminders, mocking me that I haven’t worked out in 3.5 hours…ok, maybe 3.5 weeks, but eff you I’ve been busy!

Y’know I don’t even think you care, RunKeeper.

What’s that? An inspirational quote to motivate my lazy a$$? Aw. That’s sweet.

I guess I will leave for my run walk soon…right after I watch this Roseanne.