WORDS BY ME | KATIE Z.

That mortifying moment your 3-year-old busts out his first four-letter word. And you know exactly where he learned it from…you.

We’ve all been there. Don’t lie. You know you have, too. We do our best to keep it clean around innocent ears, but every once in awhile (daily) things might slip out that would make even the saltiest of sailors blush.

Now don’t get me wrong, when I have the occasional slip I do my damnedest to do it quietly. But my children were obviously born with some kind of super human hearing power.

Probably on account of all that healthy food I ate during pregnancy.

Anyway, here are a few of the phrases my children have repeated that prove they possess some kind of freakish hearing powers.

“What a dick!”
This one was uttered by my oldest after a car ride to Target with me. There I was, 10 and 2 at the wheel of my minivan, my son two rows behind me in the backseat. As I was silently contemplating the excuses I would give the husband after spending a ridiculous amount of money on scented candles and glitter glue, all of a sudden some…guy comes racing past us, only to come within millimeters of clipping us. Though the mama bear in me wanted to scream out the window and throw up my most aggressive middle finger, I uttered this phrase in the softest tone imaginable…and the windows were open, how the hell did he hear me?! Despite my conscious effort to conceal this one, it was still repeated a few hours later during a short-lived round of Matchbox races.

Damn it, dog!
Well, this one wasn’t said so quietly I guess. And more than once…a lot more than once. She’s just so damn dang loud!

This effing thing!
One of our carseats used to have a buckle that would stick sometimes. Always at the most convenient of times, of course. Usually when I was dropping all three kids off at daycare, at the crack of a downpouring Monday dawn. See, it’s really frustrating not to be able to GET ONE OF THEM OUT OF THE CAR. So a couple of times (daily), when two of the boys were stomping in mud puddles while stuffed backpacks and lunchboxes were spilling out into the parking lot, and the other boy who was stuck in his carseat was screaming in terror at being stuck, I may have cursed the stupid silly buckle, muffled under my breath…and my tears. Still, this phrased was whispered to me with a sly grin from my middle child, the first time I buckled him into his new carseat.

Hey brother, wanna hit the beer stand with me?
Ok this one wasn’t a swear, but it was really funny.

So there you have it, there is the evidence. Despite my best efforts at maintaining a G-rated vocabulary, my childrens’ super human hearing powers render me powerless at concealing the occasional slip up.

I guess I should be happy this also proves they actually do listen to me once in awhile.