WORDS BY ME | KATIE Z.

Mommy woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. You know, the bed I share with daddy, the dog and now your wiggly 2-year-old brother who refuses to rest unless his hand is lying somewhere on my sleepy head.

So work with me today, children.

And if you’re good little boys, mommy will take you to Target and buy you any toy you want. No matter how big and noisy and obnoxious.

Don’t judge me, people. Desperate times call for bribery.

There are just a few simple rules. A few shenanigans I urge you to avoid today:

• DO NOT PLACE FOREIGN OBJECTS IN THE TOILET. This includes but is not limited to: toys, clothing, electronics and for the love of GAWD not your hands! Likewise, if you are using the training potty, do NOT attempt to empty it yourself. Repeat after me: Leave the pee, where it be.
• DO NOT FIGHT. Do not speak to each other, do not look at each other and definitely don’t touch each other. Done. See? Easy, right? Right?!?
• DO NOT INJURE YOURSELVES OR EACH OTHER. Keep your precious little paws to yourself, and no one gets hurt. Literally. Activities that present the greatest risk of injury include:
  -Don’t tie your scarf around your brother’s neck in an attempt to ‘walk’ him
  -Don’t jump off the top bunk bed on to your Tonka truck
  -Don’t ride the couch cushions down the basement stairs like a bobsled
  -Don’t run with scissors. I repeat. Do not run with scissors
  -Don’t smack each other with your toy light sabers
  -And for christ’s sake don’t climb the dang bookcase like a ladder…geez you guys, c’mon!

I know that’s a lot of no no’s. There is actually one thing you CAN do, that is certain to turn mommy’s frown upside down.

• N-A-P.

So if you know what’s good for you…oh who am I kidding…you guys are going to do at least half of these things by lunchtime.

And I will grin through gritted teeth and bear it. Because I’m your mom, and I love you.

And because I know the wine bottle’s just a short walk to the kitchen away.